Fifteen and killing it

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday.  The one who made me a mom.  The one who looks like me but is so much like her dad.  The one who would not let me take a picture of her today under any circumstances.  The one who doesn't have conversations with me regularly anymore, just one word answers when prompted.  The one who unintentionally breaks my heart daily and then puts it back together again with just the slightest look or half-smile.

I'm constantly asking myself how I can be more of what she needs as opposed to how I *think* things should be or what she *should* want from me.  It's such a simple thing yet so complex at the same time.  Simple because we're all human and for the most part want the same basic things from the people we love.  Complex because the whole parent/child dynamic has started to shift and this is new territory for both of us.  

She had many from her basketball team over on Saturday night where they ate and swam and went in the spa and who knows what else before finally falling asleep at 4:00am. Aside from that, I had to ask myself how I could make her birthday special for HER.  She absolutely does not appreciate anything over-the-top and even would consider balloons and flower a bit too much.  We stopped at Starbucks on our way to school this morning, she came home to a few gifts to open with just her brother and sister and her dad on FaceTime from the firehouse.  She got the AirPods she's been wanting for over a year (I HATE the idea of them but I'm learning to bend) and a few sweet gifts from her siblings.  The went upstairs and got dressed for basketball practice and packed for volleyball practice and we hit the road.  All she asked for was if after both practices we could stop at Panda Express.  A 10pm Panda run on your 15th birthday after 4 hours of practice seems like the best way to end the day, at least for my girl.  

When I asked myself what else I may be able to give or do for her to make her birthday special without super annoying her, I thought, "Maybe she just wants to know she's kicking ass at this crazy life she's living right now."  

Starbucks, AirPods, 10pm Panda run - none of it matters as much as this.  At least, I hope.  And I'm pretty confident I'm correct.  Although, being quiet and reserved like she is she'd never express that and that's ok.  I don't need my feelings validated today but I sure want to be sure she knows hers are.

  

   

I have no idea what I'm doing

So, I've got a teenager.  Well, two of them actually.  But only one who strikes fear into my soul by her looks when she's displeased.  This, in and of itself, has me wondering when in the world the script became flipped.  Aren't I the one who is supposed to dictate how this all goes?  Aren't I the one who is supposed to give the "look" and then see a change in her behavior?  Aren't I the one who is to be the recipient of snuggles and kindness when the child wants something?  If you are answering YES to these questions, you OBVIOUSLY do not have a teenager. The whole world in which she and I existed together is no longer. 

If you had told me B.T. (Before Teen) that this new world even existed and that I'd live in it, I'd have very confidently told you, "Oh, gosh, not in my house.  Homie don't play that."

Basically having a teen is like being pregnant - someone can tell you all day long what it's like but until you experience it, you really have no idea.  At all.

I have found myself reinventing my entire parenting when it comes to her.  It's uncharted territory and everything I've done for the last 14 years, 11 months, and 3 weeks really is as irrelevant as Caillou at this point.  I have gone through numerous stages, some of which include; kissing her ass, killing myself to make things convenient for her, being my own hype man before I approach her, being more lenient than ever in consequences or expectations.  Let me tell you - for a strong-minded and strong-willed mom, this has been painful.  And I'm not sure beneficial.  I have no idea what I'm doing.

All I know is I'm riding this wave.  I'm dealing with the daily changes in both of us.  I'm trying EXTREMELY hard to not take things personally.  I'm struggling with the loneliness that is this season with her.  I'm crying to Chris on those really hard days.  I'm loving her consistently and as she needs, sometimes zoomed in and sometimes from a distance.  I will continue to show up until the day I die which I know in the long run is what really matters.  I love her fiercely but I sure hate this season. 

If you have a mom friend with a teen, hug her.  Don't ask how she is doing because she will lie to you because she knows you're dealing with your own shit in your own life.  Just hug her.  She needs it.