I have no idea what I'm doing

So, I've got a teenager.  Well, two of them actually.  But only one who strikes fear into my soul by her looks when she's displeased.  This, in and of itself, has me wondering when in the world the script became flipped.  Aren't I the one who is supposed to dictate how this all goes?  Aren't I the one who is supposed to give the "look" and then see a change in her behavior?  Aren't I the one who is to be the recipient of snuggles and kindness when the child wants something?  If you are answering YES to these questions, you OBVIOUSLY do not have a teenager. The whole world in which she and I existed together is no longer. 

If you had told me B.T. (Before Teen) that this new world even existed and that I'd live in it, I'd have very confidently told you, "Oh, gosh, not in my house.  Homie don't play that."

Basically having a teen is like being pregnant - someone can tell you all day long what it's like but until you experience it, you really have no idea.  At all.

I have found myself reinventing my entire parenting when it comes to her.  It's uncharted territory and everything I've done for the last 14 years, 11 months, and 3 weeks really is as irrelevant as Caillou at this point.  I have gone through numerous stages, some of which include; kissing her ass, killing myself to make things convenient for her, being my own hype man before I approach her, being more lenient than ever in consequences or expectations.  Let me tell you - for a strong-minded and strong-willed mom, this has been painful.  And I'm not sure beneficial.  I have no idea what I'm doing.

All I know is I'm riding this wave.  I'm dealing with the daily changes in both of us.  I'm trying EXTREMELY hard to not take things personally.  I'm struggling with the loneliness that is this season with her.  I'm crying to Chris on those really hard days.  I'm loving her consistently and as she needs, sometimes zoomed in and sometimes from a distance.  I will continue to show up until the day I die which I know in the long run is what really matters.  I love her fiercely but I sure hate this season. 

If you have a mom friend with a teen, hug her.  Don't ask how she is doing because she will lie to you because she knows you're dealing with your own shit in your own life.  Just hug her.  She needs it.